A hilarious guide from someone who writes about sex A LOT:

Oh wait:

I usually tell them that I don’t write about sex, I write about desire and heartbreak and I can’t believe someone as intelligent-looking as him/her would reduce my art to lurid gymnastics. Then I ask for money.

Whoops. Sorry Steve.

An excerpt:

Step 1

Never compare a woman’s nipples to:

a) Cherries
b) Cherry pies
c) Pencil erasers
d) Frankenstein bolts

Nipples are tricky. They come in all shapes and sizes and shades. They do not, as a rule, look like much of anything, aside from nipples. So resist making dumbshit comparisons. (Note: I am guilty of the last.)

Step 2

Never, ever use the words “penis” or “vagina”

There is no surer way to kill the erotic buzz than to use these terms, which call to mind –my mind, at least- health classes (in the best instance) and (in the worst instance) venereal disease.

As a rule, in fact, there is often no reason at all to name the genitals. Consider the following sentence:

“She wet her palm with her tongue and reached for my penis.”

Now consider this alternative:

“She wet her palm with her tongue and reached for me.”

Is there any real doubt as to where this particular horndoggle is reaching?

Step 3

Resist the temptation to use genital euphemisms, unless you are trying to be funny

No: Tunnel of Love, Candy Shop, Secret Garden, Pleasure Gate
Equally No: Flesh Kabob, Manmeat, Tube Steak, Magic Wand
Especially No: Hairy Taco, Sperm Puppet
I could go on, but only for my own amusement.

Bwahaha…. for steps four through twelve, read the rest here.  It’s well worth it!